Both Sides Now.

i love this song so much. I don't think i ever realized how sad it was until recently. but it remains so beautiful to me, and although it is sad, it makes me feel light. i always have a slight smile with this song

Both Sides Now

by Joni Mitchell

Bows and flows of angel hair

and ice cream castles in the air

and feather canyons everywhere

i've looked at clouds that way

but now they only block the sun

they rain and they snow on everyone

so many things i would have done

but clouds got in my way

i've looked at clouds from both sides now

from up and down, and still somehow

it's cloud illusions i recall

i really don't know clouds at all

moons and Junes and ferris wheels

the dizzy dancing way you feel

as every fairy tale comes real

i've looked at love that way

but now it's just another show

you leave em laughing when you go

and if you care, don't let them know

don't give yourself away

i've looked at love from both sides now

from give and take, and still somehow

it's love's illusions i recall

i really don't know love at all

tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "i love you" right out loud

dreams and schemes and circus crowds

i've looked at life that way

oh but now old friends are acting strange

they shake their heads, they say i've changed

well something's lost, but somethings gained

in living every day

i've looked at life from both sides now

from win and lose, and still somehow

it's life's illusions i recall

i really don't know life at all

i've looked at life from both sides now

from up and down, and still somehow

it's life's illusions i recall

i really don't know life at all.

want

I think "want" is more powerful than "need"

Of course, there are those few things in our life that we actually need, such as food and shelter and water. Clearly, the pursuit of those items is more important than anything else we simply want.

But, in the realm of any relationship, i think want is much more than need.

the fact is that needs eventually get met. If you need me for some reason, eventually that reason will be gone, and then i will be useless. my function in your life having been served.

I try to make sure none of my relationships are based on the fact that I just need that person for something.

**(I am also trying to figure out what I think about the idea of actually needing anyone specific. I am undecided as to what I think. I know that we need people. As humans that is just true. But do we need specific people? it seems that should someone we think we "need" die, most people find a way to continue living. proving that we did not, in fact, need that specific person. But that sounds terrible to me. at the same time though, it also makes the whole "wanting" thing even more valuable. i don't know...anyway that is a topic for a different time. i got side tracked.)

But if you want me. That is entirely different. If you want me in your life because you have been getting to know me and you enjoy my company and you like who I am, well, that is something that can last. Eventually, you may then need me for something, and i will be more than happy to do everything in my power to help you, but once that need is met, you will still want me around. When i can do nothing for you, you will still like who I am.

Sometimes it does feel nice to feel "needed"; to fulfill a purpose in someone's life. I won't deny that. But to be wanted. that is much better to me.

be assured that if you are someone i share my life with it is because i want you there. And i trust my self to need you should something arise, but at the end of the day you are here because i want you. And i always will.

Focus

I had a conversation with you a while ago.

you were telling me about some girl you liked. or, at least had a crush on.

you said it was hard for you to focus because "When she is in the room, everything else is blurry"

For one moment I felt this stinging pang slice through me while I wished that anyone in the world felt like that about me. and to be quite honest, it still sounds a little desirable. There is something in that phrase that I just want.

and this phrase stuck in my head.

but I realized that while that is a lovely romantic notion and it makes me swoon and i think it belongs in a charming movie that will make me sigh and reach for the tissues, it is not actually what i want at all.

I don't want someone who can't see anything but me. I want someone who has perfect vision of everything in the room, and chooses me anyway. I don't want to blind someone to the rest of the world. I want my presence in it to make him more aware of everything surrounding him.

that is what i want. That is what living a life with someone means to me.

Anyway

Anyway.

I love this word.

at exactly the same time, it terrifies me.

I feel like I am constantly trying to learn how to live this word. How can I look at this world, or know what I know, or feel anything, or have been involved in my own life and be able to do anything "anyway"?

But I think the only way to actually have a life is to live by "anyway". To make anything out of the mess in this world I have to learn to be able to look at it and live in it and see it for what it is, and then I have to throw some of my constant rationalization and my perceived reality away... and trust anyway. and leap anyway. and risk anyway. and share anyway.

and love anyway.

with reckless abandon.

to live anyway.

anyway means being ready to feel and to hurt and to be absolutely breakable. To let things in.

most of the time, I don't live anyway. but sometimes, i do.

and the rest of the time i am learning how to figure it out.

pomegranates and people

I think some of the greatest evidence for the existence of God is found in the pomegranate. look at it. It is amazing. it is intricate and beautiful and delicious. God is a creative being. i certainly never could have thought of something so lovely and interesting. It is impossible for me to eat a pomegranate without having at least a few thoughts at the wonder of my God.

Now, when I am going to eat a pomegranate i like to do it like this:

First i set out many paper towels and make sure i have on an ugly shirt or an apron because pomegranate juice is serious. then i cut the pomegranate in half and i spend as long as it takes removing every seed from the rind and that mysterious yellow film-y stuff inside. I then wash all the seeds in very cold water and put them in a bowl. I love the way pomegranate seeds look sitting in a bowl. I think they look like treasure. to me they look like hundreds of rubies huddled together.

It does not take a great intellect to know that these seeds are not as valuable as rubies, but in that moment they mean a great deal to me. they may as well be treasure.

This is the way i think about my life. my experiences and memories. they are my pomegranate seeds. inside of me i have thousands of shimmering, crimson and burgundy thoughts and stories. To me they are treasure. They are as valuable and as important as rubies and when you remove them from me and put them in a bowl i still think they are lovely and make up something important.

that is why i appreciate you. Sometimes when i share with you i could swear that you look at the small pomegranate seed i put in your hand and you think it is a piece of treasure too. And even when you don't think of it as a ruby you still appreciate it. and you understand. and you don't look at me like i am crazy because i think a piece of fruit is as lovely as a gem.

two are better than one

In Genesis we are told about God's creation of the world. Cosmos and land and water and vegetation and animals and man, all created by a vast, interesting, loving God. Now in these days God and Adam (the first and only man) had a perfect kind of communion. The world was, as of yet, untouched by sin. God did things like talk to Adam and send him all the animals so Adam could name them and wander about in the beautiful Garden he created.

as i was looking over this passage in the scriptures it struck me that it was before sin had come into play and while God and Adam had this fantastic relationship that God said, "it is not good for man to be alone" and then he created eve to be a partner to Adam.

Wait one moment....It is not good for man to be alone? How was Adam alone? he was in perfect relationship with God.

this is what i find interesting. I think so often we think, "All i need is God" and that needing other people or wanting a partner is a part of the sinful nature of humanity and its effects on life on this earth, but it is not. No matter how fantastic any person's relationship with God is, it is still not good for him to be alone. In God's perfect creation of human beings we were supposed to be together and not alone. Desire for community and companionship is part of God's perfect plan, and not a consequence of humanity.

go away.

I am a nice person, but I hate dogs.

I don't particularly like any animals, actually.

today my roommates found a dog and they brought it home. i wish it would leave.

it makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable all the time. i never ever want a dog.

i wish i could magically become allergic. then people wouldn't glare at me when i tell them to get their dog away from me please.

forgive.

I had a week that was a little bit less than wonderful this week.

First of all there was a terrible misunderstanding and I thought that my dearest friend felt abused by me. it turned out to be all just a big mistake, but still, for those five or so hours i thought i had failed a friendship and that i had hurt someone i love and it made me feel miserable.

the relief i felt when i realized it wasn't true was immense. (i love you so very much rachell...)

however, in a twist of brutal irony, someone else who i love dearly accused me of the same sort of things three days later. for reals this time. She accused me of using her and betraying her for a year. She said she felt awkward around me and there wasn't really anything she could do and she was kind of over it. I didn't know what to say. i sat there and i couldn't make myself look anywhere but the knees of my jeans. i listened to my heart deflate.

I tried to tell her and show her that what she thought wasn't true. I hadn't used her words (and even now i can't think of a way they could have helped me get to what she thought i wanted), and i would never, ever do something like that. but, i probably didn't have the right words. it was hard for me to think.

At the end she said she was sorry and that it was a stupid assumption. and i told her that it was not just a stupid assumption to me. To me it was a very serious accusation about who she thought i was as a person. and it hurt me. it hurt me that she waited so long to say anything. it hurt me that she believed something without asking me, it hurt me that she thought a relationship i thought was valuable and so important was nothing but a lie. it just hurt me everywhere.

so then i left and i have been thinking about what i want to happen now. i wondered what she wanted to happen now. i got a note and a gift from her the other day. so maybe she still wants to be my friend. maybe she believes me now.

the question was, did i still want to be her friend. did i want to forgive her?

my reasoning, in the end, sounds very selfish, but somehow i do believe it is not. I decided i would forgive her. i love her and i want to be friends. I decided this because i was thinking that in my relationships i want to be able to mess up and i want to be allowed to be a human and maybe even hurt someone without the fear that they will abandon me. I want people to forgive me, because i know i will certainly need it, and that is the least i could offer to her.

but also, this means that i want friends who know me deeply. and i do think that i have those. One of the reasons i feel i can forgive her is that i know her. I know that she has a tendency towards a bit of jealousy. and i know how easily jealousy takes over and makes you believe things you don't actually believe. I know she didn't really think i was a horrible person the way she thought she did. and i would hope that if i ever had a similar situation with a friend they would know that i truly loved them, madly and deeply, and i had just allowed myself to believe the things that seemed appealing in the moment.

and so I forgive. because i know you, and because someday i will want to be forgiven and i will want you to think about what you know to be true about me. and forgive me.

riddle me this

I had a fun conversation tonight.

it was with you.

you told me I had standards that were unreachable and I showed you the error of your ways and i told you, "it is not like i am turning anybody away"

i guess i just give off some kind of vibe that tells people to keep their distance.

and then you went on to say, "well i don't know, ash. but let me tell you this. you are absolutely beautiful. you are fun and funny and smart and you have all your stuff together. You are a complete package. the only thing that keeps me from wanting to be with you is that I know our lives are going in completely different directions. you are definitely desirable. you just don't seem very dateable.....but you are really desirable. I think all the guys you think just don't see you, actually do see you and they just don't know how to approach you. you are very desirable"

interesting.

well then, riddle me this: how do i become more dateable???

i don't know.

but anyway. thanks for saying that. it was nice to hear.

if...

Things I would do if i was unendingly wealthy:

1. travel

2. have fresh flowers all over my house always

3. Buy very nice underwear from victoria's secret.

of course this is not a conclusive list of things i would do if i was unendingly wealthy. these are the selfish things. but they are still quite fun to think about...

:)

flower

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine gave me a rose. I put it in a vase on my nightstand by my bed. over the next few days I watched it bloom into something beautiful and amazing. And it greeted me every morning and watched over me while I slept. and it reminded me of how much magic and beauty is in the world. and i felt a little better about life while i looked at that rose. and somehow it dried itself into the perfect formation when it died and now it sits on my shelf.

As i was lamenting the lack of my fresh flower i received another flower which i then gladly placed in the vase next to me. and when that one died, just by chance, it was the evening my mom came to see me in a show and she gave me another bouquet of flowers which lived by my bed.

but now those are dead and there is no more occasion for anyone to give me any flowers.

but i really love fresh flowers. i appreciate them a lot. Well done God. very well done.

Fall back.

This is a picture of a bit of my backyard at home in Colorado. it was taken by my mother. and i am a little in love with it. you can almost feel a warm breeze and smell the unmistakable scent of crisp air when you look at it.

How could anyone not enjoy the autumn?

yum.

I just ate approximately 6 otter pops in a row. orange, green, purple, blue, two reds. My mouth has no idea what color it should be. But is was DELICIOUS!

my love for otter pops is real and deep and true...

let's watch the rain

have you ever had one of those perfect conversation moments? The kind where it feel like you have left the real world and you exist to be just the two of you and you could say whatever you wanted and ask whatever question came into your head and you you would be completely honest and completely real and the person you were with was feeling the exact same way and you could both be completely who you were and let each other in to the secret places you don't let most people in that moment. and it is wonderful.

and then something happens. it gets too cold, or someone else walks in, or the restaurant closes, or....something gets in the way. and then you know that the moment is over and even if you keep talking and hanging out that magical space you existed in before is gone and you can't have it back tonight. and all you want in the world is to get it back because it made you feel like a whole, interesting, valuable person. but the time has passed.

I love those conversations. even despite the sinking feeling when they end. I am just glad they happen.

you are killin me, smalls...

You: hello beautiful.

Me: ...did i wake you up?

You: well, yes you did

Me: i'm sorry

You: its ok. I miss you.

Me: I really miss you too.

You: the next time i see you i am going to kiss you.

Me: no you're not

You: yes I am.

Me: no. you're not....you won't see me till Christmas.

You: yes I am. Would you be angry?

Me: would i be angry if you kissed me?

You: yeah.

Me: it doesn't matter what i'd be. you aren't going to.

You: ok. well you just think about it.

Me: alright. i will.

You: goodnight

Me: goodnight.

none for me, thanks

I don't want it. any of it.

to the best day...

My birthday was on October 7. And if you read my blog from a couple days ago you will know i was feeling like it wasn't important, but my view was radically changed. More people wished me happy birthday and did wonderful things than i ever expected. I felt truly appreciated and loved and i don't how another birthday will top it. it was wonderful and i am so thankful to everyone who was a part of it.

Better than fiction

I am in a fiction class this semester. I find it thoroughly entertaining and interesting, but i am having some trouble. I am a horrible fiction writer. And now i know for certain.

I just find myself liking to write the silly musings i write here on this blog far better. I feel like they are so much more truthful and sometimes i feel like they just write themselves. Perhaps it is just my selfish humanity that is much preferring to write about myself than anyone else, fiction or otherwise. This life is just so much more thrilling to me.

And there is one more problem i have noticed, all my stories are far too happy. I think my optimistic views about life creep in far too much and make every story sound like a stupid cliche. the thing is is that i still somehow believe in some kind of happy ending and that is the death of my fiction career. I can't make up situations about the way things actually are in life because i figure, "hey, while i am making stuff up, i might as well make it the way i think things should/or could be".

Damn.

SSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssss........

There is a distinct noise a balloon makes when it deflates. If you close your eyes you can hear it. It is a soft hissing noise and if you think about it it can make your stomach feel like it is caving in. I feel a little like that. like everyday a little more of my air is escaping.

Sign creeper talked to me again tonight. I don't know why he keeps on trying. I have turned him down every single time, but everytime i feel a little worse about it. But I am not a nice person and the reason i feel worse everytime has very little to do with the fact that i might actually be hurting his feelings and more with the worry that now he is going to think i am truly a jerk and he will never try to talk to me again. Of course, i don't particularly enjoy it when he talks to me. I call him sign creeper for a reason. he makes me uncomfortable. i never miss our conversation, but it would be a lie to say there was not a part of me that feels good about the fact that time after time he has decided it is worth me rejecting him to ask me, one more time, if i want to be friends. It feels nice to be wanted. even just a little. even by sign creeper.

Of course, i have been completely honest. I have not led him on or misled him, because i think that is a horrible thing to do to a person. I shoot him down every time, and fairly bluntly. But once the conversation is over i wonder if that was finally the last time the little chatbox with his name on it will pop up on my facebook page. And i think how relieved i will be. And i also think about how somewhere deep down i hope it is not the last time. I wish for another chance to turn him down because that would mean i am still worth it. Pretty soon i wont be worth it anymore. I think he is finally getting the message, much to my delight and regret.

I am so ready to be wanted.

no one is ready to want me.

As anyone who is romantically lonely knows, your lonliness comes in waves, in seasons. There are times when you hardly notice the small empty place in your mind and heart, and then there are times when that small empty place feels like it is threatening to unhinge its mouth and swallow you whole. Sometimes it feels like the waves might just drag you out to sea. Right now i feel like i am trying to hang on to my life boat. But soon the storm will pass. the season will change. It won't be the day before my 22nd birthday and i won't be thinking about the fact that in 22 years the most men i have managed to interest is one sign creeper.

it will be a new day, and i will appreciate the new chill in the air and i will let it fill my bones and shock my senses and i will feel better and i will tie my life boat up on the shore again and i will wrap myself in a warm sweater and a scarf i made myself and i will enjoy my favorite season: the fall.

another day down.

It's my birthday tomorrow. I will be 22.

It's funny, because usually i love birthdays. I think they are fantastic and special and they should matter. I think people should make a big deal out of them and they should celebrate that their friends or family are there with them. And I should care about my friends birthdays and be glad they are in my life. Be glad they were born on this day however many years ago. You should feel important and wanted and cared about on your birthday. I love birthdays.

This year, however, my birthday is on a wednesday. Wednesdays in my life this semester are remarkably exhausting and flustering. and i am sadly beginning to realize, that for most people your birthday is just another day. it is something to write on your facebook wall and then forget about. No one else really cares about your birthday, and that is sad to me... my birthday is just another wednesday. But it is not to me. It is my birthday. I have now survived or squandered, or gifted, or lived twenty two years. And I will celebrate with me. despite the fact that it is wednesday

and i will remember to celebrate with you on your birthday, because if i know when your birthday is that means i am probably pretty glad you are here with me.