thank you sir.

About a month ago a friend told me he was going to take me to dinner and a show. I was pretty excited. and so on the evening we were going to go I spent far longer than usual getting ready and tried to be fancy. I wore a dress and heals and more makeup than just mascara and chapstick. i put a flower in my hair. and i felt pretty.

then i got in my car and drove over to my friends apartment. Once i arrived there i had to wait for someone to come and open the gate to let me in. while I was standing there waiting there was another man standing at the gate. He had a big van and he was waiting for a pair of women who were coming out of the apartment complex. The van had a wheelchair ramp, as one of the women was in a wheelchair. We stood there next to each other for a few moments and awkwardly glanced at one another in a brief greeting. Then, just as the women were almost to the gate he looked at me and he said something. I couldn't quite understand what he had said, so i said, "I'm sorry, what?" and then he looked at me and said, "you look like a queen." that took me quite off guard, and so there was a brief silence and then i replied, "oh...well, thank you!" and then i walked inside the gate and went to meet my friend.

I still think about this short interchange. And i am so thankful for that man. That man made me feel beautiful and lovely for at least a whole month. Anytime i felt like anything less, i remembered that that man thought i looked like a queen.

there is so much power in the tiny small things we say, and the next time i think someone looks "like a queen" i hope i have enough courage to tell them because it might just lift them up for much longer than i ever expected.

Try to remember the kind of september...

a little while ago a friend and I were discussing memory. We talked and laughed about the things we remembered and why our minds choose the things they do to hold on to. I have some very distinct and vivid memories of childhood which seem to me to be rather useless. I have no idea why i remember them. But then there are other things, such as singing "what i did for love" in show choir, that i have absolutely no recollection of. none. i still wouldn't believe we had sung that song except for the fact that i watched myself do it on videotape.

we mused about this topic for awhile, and then she mentioned that our brains can only hold so much. so many memories. She said that this is why older people can go on and on about memories from the past, but it is hard for them to remember more recent events. Their mind is simply full.

I feel a little bit sad about that.

I feel like during this time in my life, last summer in particular, I tried to store up every possible moment. Every sensation, every smell, every new thought, all the funny jokes and the way it feels when you hug me. I wanted to keep it all. I still want to keep it all. Anyone who knows me knows that i truly listen. I try to be fully engaged in the moment with whoever i am with. That is why i am good at remembering things people said and birthdays and lots and lots of moments in life. And i am glad i have all those things, all my shimmery memories. I need them.

I don't think there will ever come a time in my life when I am not going to want to save all the memories i can. I want to remember as much about this life as i possibly can, and it breaks my heart a bit to think that one day so many things will be gone, like that memory of "what i did for love".

But for now, i have heaps of lovely memories and moments to stop and revisit throughout the day. And I am thankful for them. and i always will be.

a pile

I find myself having written down a pile of 5 things to blog about. And i do want to write these blogs...

but do you ever just find yourself sitting there thinking, "It is 2:30 in the morning and I am exhausted. why am I awake?" Well, if you have found yourself in that position then you will know quite exactly how i am feeling at this very moment as i watch the clock continue counting the minutes even further into the wee hours.

and so, there shall be no blogs on this early morning. but there shall be sleep. and i hope it rains again tomorrow. except i hope it stops just long enough that i can make the walk to the grocery store without completely soaking my jeans. :)

My favorite thing today

This video brought me very much joy.

it made me smile like this :)

"Marcel the shell with shoes on"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TL3oaHKCko

texts from my dad. Volume 5

"bite the apple.

bite the apple again.

you go girl.

Love

D."

today wants this song

"lately, I've been seeing things

and out late wanderin' dirty streets

to find my way

Dreamers with their cardboard hope,

and lovers with their empty cups-

well the rain drips on down

while the neon dances in the road.

you've got to run,

you've got to hide

honey, i'll never push you aside

cause as soon as you grow

thats when you know-

there's a lot left to say, and i hope to say it someday"

from "Someday, someway" by Cazz Brindis

blues

Tonight is the last night i will spend in my little blue room.

i loved this room. I loved it more than most anywhere else.

i am a little bit sad about leaving it. and by a little i mean a lot.

peanut butter battle

I used to really not like peanut butter. I mean really, really not like.

recently i find that it is growing on me. It is still not my very favorite thing, but on occasion i find myself wanting some.

the strange thing is that i really don't want to admit to myself that i am starting to like it. I don't really know why...apparently i just really don't want to be one of those people who likes peanut butter.

things i loved recently..

I have been noticing some thoroughly lovely things about life.

let's start with the enchanting silvery moonlight that flung its beams into my bedroom last week. When I was lying in my bed I could see the full glowing moon smiling down and sharing its shimmery light with me. It filled me with delight for a few nights in a row and made me feel safe and comfortable and glad that there are still mysteries in the world.

also, i love that as a "adult" i reserve the right to eat a few bites of ice cream while i am cooking dinner.

the word "whimsy". what a good, delicious word. I could go for a bit more whimsy in my life, i believe. just say it. whimsy. whisper it. and sway while you say it. close your eyes. let the whimsy all the way in.

drawing and painting and general child-like craftiness. i feel very good about it.

singing power ballads with complete abandon while i am driving alone in my car on the freeway. if you don't feel like anyone can hear or see you, then they can't....

the way black ink looks scrawled all over a clean white page.

the car wash. behold the great joy of the power sprayer and the excitement of the time limit and the peculiar pink tinted soap. Best seven minutes of my day.

all over the place.

Confession: I did something over the moon stupid the other day. Don't worry it wasn't recklessly stupid or dangerous or anything of that nature. It was just one of those stupid things people do.

this is me confessing, without confessing. I just had to take note that i did it.

...what was i thinking? stupid....

in other news:

as i was browsing about the internet in my endless hours of boredom i did many things (some more useful than others). I searched for jobs, i searched for apartments, i facebook creeped, i watched many episodes of criminal minds, and then i came across a link to an article entitled, "How to make him say 'I love you' ."

What? NO. this is bad. of course i ignored my better judgement (as has been my way the last few days. see the confession at the start of this blog), and i clicked on the link anyway. I couldn't finish reading the article in its entirety because it hurt my soul. The parts i did read were about acting a certain way, or saying certain things, or sending certain body language clues and all of those things would add up to one man in love with you.

Now, i could understand why you would not want to listen to me and my thoughts on the subject as nothing i have ever done had added up to any men in love with me, but you should listen anyway. trust me.

I most definitely do not want someone to tell me he loves me because I used all my best trickery to manufacture that feeling in him. I don't want my every interaction with someone to be a manipulation in which i try to make him feel something by using the right body language or saying the right things because i already know how he will react to them. That is not the same thing as him reacting to me, just as me with no impressive trickery, and deciding he loves me. i don't want to have to feel like i have to calculate my moves all the time and know what i should and shouldn't say to make someone love me. i really really do believe that someone could love me as i am, because i do say what i think and i do tell people how i feel about them and i do not try to hide or convince people of feeling things they do not. nothing can be real if you try to do it the other way...and what is the point of that anyway?

this is why i can't stand "the bachelor" and this is why i think i would not like a blind date and this is why i don't want anyone to "meddle" and try to put me together with someone. i don't want to be with someone because anyone else tried to convince them to be with me, i want to be with someone because they decided they wanted to be with me. yes.

rant over. for now.

but on another note, i just got far far too bored of being home today so i put on a cute dress, i put on sunglasses (instead of makeup), and walked to my car, took a short drive, got a boba tea, read some East of Eden, and took a lovely stroll at that perfect dusky sunset time of day...it was dreamy. sometimes you can turn days where you are just alone at home into something great. Today was great, but i need to start having some things to do outside this house or i might go crazy...or do something else that is really stupid.

Texts from my dad. Volume 4

"I'm in Boise Idaho and you're not.

thinking of you.

Love, Dad. "

i love him.

silliness.

i have been having thoughts on silliness. I just think silliness is so important.

sometimes i am really bad at being silly and i find that regrettable.

anyway, my thoughts on silliness:

my friends and i were discussing artistic endeavors a few weeks ago and we began debating the value of "silly" things. I can understand why people miss the value of silly things. I can see why people think that they lack value because they don't necessarily change you or inspire great thought and action. but then again, perhaps they do, in their own way.

I love art. i love the impact that can be made through it. I love the beauty and the mystery and the greatness that comes from it. but i do think that some greatness does come from silly things. While serious art may inspire me to action and make me want things in the future, i find that silliness reminds me to be fully thankful for the moment at present. to my way of thinking silliness is completely about being in the moment. it is about living to the greatest possible level at any given time. Silliness has no self consciousness or worry about what others will think. Silliness just is what it is. that is the only way it can exist. being silly makes you feel alive. when i think back on my life many of the silly moments are my favorite. the moments that ended in peals of laughter that made my sides hurt...those were the moments i appreciated everything that i had. and it was because of the silliness.

also, i find endless inspiration in silliness. some people may read shel silverstein poems or Dr.Suess books and think that they are just silly, childrens books. but not me. The important thing about silliness is it reminds me of the boundless opportunities for creation. silliness is imaginative. reading these things as a child, and even as an adult, taught me that there are still great things to be found. words to be created. new thoughts to be had. and beyond that, that i should not try to reign in any of my ideas because they were "silly". Without silly ideas, without the freedom to have silly ideas, much of what we have would never have been.

we should all take time to be silly, and, perhaps, to look a little deeper and find the value in things that we thought were simply silliness. because, it turns out I don't think silliness is simple after all.

1...2...3....smile

i have a new thing.

i get new things from time to time. by now i have a quite a few things. small oddities and personality quirks....things.

but i am rather enamored with my new thing. i can't figure out why it happened or exactly when, but recently every single time someone takes a picture i cannot help but wonder what will happen to that photograph. I wonder if it will be framed and hung in someone's living room for people to see. or perhaps it will be scapbooked by someones mother. or maybe someone will write a date on the back and then lose it in a dresser drawer. maybe someone will put it in an "album" on facebook, or just maybe make it their profile picture. what if it becomes famous and the world will recognize it in a few years. what if it is a picture someone keeps in their wallet next to their dollar bills and pennies. what if it becomes a picture someone hides and only takes out when they are alone. What if it captures a perfect, unforgettable moment?

i make up all kinds of lives for these pictures. i choose the ones that go on the mantel. and the ones that never make it off the camera...

i know. its weird. you dont have to tell me.

:)

daydream believer

among my favorite things about college is that it is a land of dreams. during my four years i heard so many grand visions and plans and hopes for the future. It is really kind of incredible. And the best part about it is that while we are here, learning and preparing, we fully believe that every one of those big dreams is possible. we see this whole world as a land of opportunity and possibility and we think that there is no good reason that anything should stand in our way on our trecks to success with its many different definitions.

It seems to me that once we have graduated most of us can't see the possibilities or the opportunities. All we can see are the limitations we seemed to have overlooked. I wish we could get back our dreams and believe in them in that same unbending way. This is the same world. All the things we thought could be there can still be there.

i want to remember this about college for as long as i live. I have never been anywhere where more people believed in their dreams.

grammar

to anyone who reads this blog ever at any point:

i offer my deepest and most sincere apologies about the grammar. most of these are written in the wee hours and are largely brain vomit. no grammatical consideration is taken. I promise i know better. I know that i's should be capitalized and i know that mostly i write run on sentences and i know that there are more fragments than correct sentences in these entries. and i know that there are a million grammatical errors in this entry....but that is just the way it is. that is the way i write on this blog and that is the way it shall remain!

thank you.

over and out.

guidelines

i love this blog very much. It makes me feel better knowing it is here. i feel better when i write things down.

But i was thinking about blogs today...and i was thinking that there are some things i hope this never becomes. Some people have blogs for the sole purpose of venting. i don't want that. i don't want this to be a place where i come and complain all the time. I don't want it to be a place where i put myself on a pedestal and write about other peoples problems. I don't ever want to write something brutal about anyone else. i don't want to write things i am too afraid or embarrassed to say to someone's face.

I have tried very hard to maintain these rules so far. i try to avoid using anyone's names. I try to just put out my viewpoints without belittling anyone else's. i try to limit my entries to my own troubles or thoughts. And while i do want this to be a place where i can write about things that have upset me or things that sting my heart, i mostly want it to be a place where i can write my thoughts on what it means to be alive. on how i sat in the hammock and ate ice cream today. On how much i loved doing that. on how i like the feeling of the sun in my eyes. on how many great mysteries there are to this world. I want this blogspot to feel like a celebration of everything involved with getting to experience life. I even want to celebrate the sad and lonely bits because i get to feel them and they matter and they are important.

and so, to the faithful few who read this blog, celebrate with me. Feel things as far as you can and be glad for it. don't let me complain and mope. thats not why i am here, and i can do better than that.

by the way.

i started crying in the kitchen today when i made dinner...

sometimes just thinking about leaving you breaks me in half.

i think Rhett is dreamy...

No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.

-Rhett Butler. Gone With the Wind.

advice

my mom got a new cat the other day. a little baby kitty. it is a boy. he is unnamed as of yet. (though i suggested she should name him stud. but she won't cause she would be embarrassed by that!) anyway when i was asking her if the cat was a boy or a girl she said it was a boy and that she was not going to get any more girl cats because they were not as nice. and then she said this to me, and i quote:

"No, it is a boy. i am not getting any more girls. i am sticking with fixed boys...you should stick with fixed boys too, ash."

thanks mom. i will keep that in mind.
:)

i am

Sometimes when i pause for a moment and look back on things God is so evident. I can almost physically see how He orchestrated things...and i am kind of blown away. breathless. grateful. I wish i lived more aware of this instead of waiting to look back.
Today i am astounded by God's grace and knowledge and blessings.
sometimes the most comforting thing i can realize is that God is God and he has taken care of me so far. and He won't stop.

A few months ago i was feeling...well, i don't know how to explain how i was feeling really....but i wrote Psalm 46:10 on my mirror "Be still and know that I am God". I was tired of feeling the way i felt and the only way i could see not feeling it was to try to live that verse. Try to be still. Try to rest in that God is God and be certain of Him.

this is hard for me, because sometimes i tend toward uncertainty. But i think it is a choice. i am trying to live this way even when i don't "feel" it. When i would prefer to feel self pity, or jealousy, or anger, or annoyance, or hurt...i try to remember to be still. i fail at this a lot...but i will continue trying to choose to live this way because even though i can't see now,

i know that one day i will see