The Woman Unwanted

there are many stories about wanted women. i don't mean wanted in the criminal sense of the word, but rather wanted in a desirous, amorous sense. Thousands upon thousands of stories of boy gets girl line the walls of libraries and bookshelves and lie haphazardly across coffee tables and cluttered desks. There is truth to the phrase "every story is a Love story". No matter how gory the movie, no matter how action packed, there is always a romantic subplot somewhere.
The wanted woman. she is well known.
what about the unwanted woman? what about the woman who has never known the affection of a man? what about the woman who learns the world on her own two feet rather than swept up in someones arms? what about her story?
i can tell you she has one. in fact she has many. She has tales of triumph and power as well as tales of weakness and broken spirits. the story of the woman unwanted is an epic, but it lives silenced somewhere. we took away her value.
we can learn a lot from unwanted women. we just have to learn to see them.
i for one have a lot to say...watch me.

above it all

Can we please do this?

Today I would really enjoy a ride in a hot air balloon.... one day I will actually get to go in one.

make a wish

I love wishes. I love to make wishes. I just love the whole idea of wishes. i love that a wish is something so sacred you don't speak out loud. I love that it can be as fanciful or realistic as i please. and i love that i always believe for at least one shimmering moment, no matter how outlandish the wish, that it will come true.

I wish on everything. I wish on the time (ex: 11:11) i wish in tunnels, in wishing wells, on birthday cakes, on dandylions, and basically all other wish-able times.

wishes spread hope.

what i want to say...

i know people who can write.
i mean really write. the kind of people whose vocabularies are like another language and who can describe things in lofty words and poetic phrases that may be difficult to understand at first but you know the whole time you are reading that it is a quality piece of writing.
Sometimes i am jealous of those people.
I like to write. on occasion i even allow myself to believe i am good at it. but i am not good like my other writing friends. but i think i decided i don't really want to be. I don't need to write about lofty ideas (though i have them, mind you) and i don't need to write big words. What i really want is to write what people think. i want to write about the things i appreciate and the actual threads going through my mind. i want to describe things simply in terms people know. and i want to be able to show the amazing beauty i see in the small things of this world. i want to remind people what it feels like to be outside holding a huge slice of watermelon and the way it sounds when you bite into it and the way it feels to roll the seeds around your mouth and the way it drips down your face and your forearms until it is dripping from your elbows.
i want to talk about how it feels when your dad gives you a hug and it's the safest place in the world and the place you know you are most loved. i want to give people hope in the ordinary so they can see the extraordinary. I just want to be simple. and i want to be true. and i want people to know exactly what i am talking about and at the same time feel like i have given them something deep and pressing. i want them to feel like i reached into their life and took their own memory and brought it to life. i want to write about humans. about human feeling and emotion. about what it really means to be a part of humanity.
it may be ambitious, but it's my heart.
i write what i write. this is my voice. it's not loud and i only speak plain english. But its mine. and if you listen to it i think you will find my voice just might sound a little like yours. and yours. and yours too.

what do you want?

I want you to want me.
or....do i just want to be wanted?
do i want YOU to want me?
do i want to be wanted or do i just want to win?

and the winner is...

I won a Drama Award last week. I never expected to. I won Student Choice Best Actress in the the spring semester. WHAAAAAAT? And perhaps this is all quite silly, i mean it is just the "philly's" at college and the award is just a piece of plastic, but i have probably never felt more honored by anything in my whole life. The show that it represents will always be so close to my heart and the fact that so many people voted for me is sort of beyond my comprehension. I suppose for that show i felt like i had never worked harder on a role and i had also never been so awful. i mean i like to think by the end i got pretty good, but still, I can't believe i won. It makes me feel so loved and so proud and so...everything i can't figure out how to say. I am so thankful. and blessed.
i love drama awards.

are my knees knocking???

Today I did something I am genuinely terrified of. And I did it for me and not really for anyone else. and other people liked it! it felt free. and wonderful. and alive. and like i just might be good at something...

Don't go changing.

Today I am sad that things must change, but that doesn't change the simple fact they must. it doesn't change that they should. You should be with her. We don't feel that way for each other. In fact that is one of my favorite things about us, our easy comfortability and knowledge of who we are as a pair. No matter what people may say, we know: we are friends. and of course that won't change.
the next time you call her up cause you want to talk i will try not to feel my stomach sink as i realize i am not "your person" anymore. maybe i never was really, but sometimes i got to feel like i was. you don't want my opinion; you want hers. you don't want to watch a movie next to me on the couch. its not exciting to hold my hand. when i am there and so is she, i am the wall paper. its not so much a feeling of jealousy so much as it is just a feeling that something is gone. Something i used to have is now gone from my hands. I would give it to her gladly. I love her a lot too. you guys could be great together. this is the way things should be. it is the way things should happen. I am not your person anymore, but its ok. I love you. and i will always will be your person if you ever need one. Go get her. slay the dragon. be the shining white knight. make the rescue. I will be the one who video tapes it. deal?

"what a beautiful mess this is"

I am in love with this picture. I think this picture is a a very good demonstration of what i think about life. First of all to look at it is breathtaking, and then you look closer and you can see that while each flower is beautiful and unique, the whole thing is a sort of jumbled and tangled mess of intertwining leaves and stems and roots. Its is confusing and if you were buried in it it would probably seem dark and hopless, but the truth is that each flower, though wrapped around others, is its own and has its own roots and its own freedom to grow. And then above it all is the light. The light that makes everything glow and makes it all feel so hopeful. and most importantly the light is what helps us make sense of the mess below.

some of the flowers bloom and some have not. some have grown tall and others have shyed away from the sun. some are pink and some are red and some are white. but each of them share the same earth and the same needs.
life is beautiful.
and i am going to the beach tomorrow.
:)

wild thing....you make my HEART SING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--N9klJXbjQ

i am so excited for this...there are hardly words. just watching this short trailer makes me feel inspired and awed and contemplative about the way i could see the word. and about the way children see the world. and about how there is so much truth in what they see. and how it is often much greater than the way i see things on a daily basis. its been far too long since i have thought about the wild things...

unbreak my heart...

i have just discovered that i have a very very strong distaste for heart shaped jewelry. i do not like it.
that is all.

the one that started it all.

this is my blog. welcome.
i don't know what i will say or if i will ever write again really.
but i like to know its here.
i like to know that should i have a thought i wish to give away or a story to tell this is a place where the world could know about it.
it's nice to have that place.

i have nothing else to say tonight.

except...
this is one of my favorite things ever and i wish it would happen everday. and everywhere.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4