the choice

I was watching Grey's Anatomy today. Christina was asking everyone if they had to choose love or surgery which they would choose, because she was trying to figure out this very thing. A patient came in who was a singer. He had cancer in his lung and he spoke about how he did not want to live without singing. As they were operating they discovered that they would have to take out more of his lung than expected in order to save his life. however, one of the surgeons decided they would try another, less sure, procedure in order to salvage his singing career. When the surgery was over Christina went to talk to the surgeon and she said, See you get it. you changed the procedure to save this man's singing because he didn't want to live without his gift. I choose my gift.

And so she chose surgery over love.

and i was thinking about my gift. I love to perform. I love to sing. I love to dance. I don't think i am the greatest in the entire world at any of those things, but i do think i have some talent for them. and when i am doing them it feels wonderful. it is like i have come home and i belong there. i cannot even describe it to you in words. I love it.

but

if it came down to it. a gun to the head decision. there would be no contest, i would choose love. but at the same time i kind of think that love is my gift. I would still be choosing my gift. I would be choosing something that made me feel whole and fulfilled and alive. Much of what art accomplishes is accomplished through love of some kind. Love is its own kind of art.

I cannot imagine my life when i am seventy without children or grandchildren. As much as i love performing, i love people more. For as much as i talk about wanting to be wanted and as much as i whine about wanting a boyfriend who takes me to the movies and brings me a flower on occasion, i think the thing I am most excited for about all that is that i will also have someone to want. I will have someone to be completely invested in. I will have someone i can build up and challenge and make them feel like they are the best of who they can be. I will have someone who i could text everyday and not worry about it. i will have someone to rejoice with and mourn with and to be a team with.

life is about how you share it. i choose my gift. love.