urgh.

i am here everyday and we do nothing. you are leaving. i am sorry you feel sad i will be seeing other people before i leave myself, but like i said, i am here everyday. you are the one who is leaving for two weeks. if hanging out with me is so important...why don't you ever do it? and why are you making me feel guilty for having plans? how many days have i said, "hey lets do something?" and how many times have you said "yes"?

thats what i thought.

Thimble

Today my parents returned from a short trip. My mother and I were sitting in the living room and my mom looked up, smiled, and said to me, "your dad has something for you." Now, as souvenirs go my dad does not have the best track record....i have certainly received some jewelry of questionable taste over the years; but none of that really mattered because it was from my dad.

I could fill a million pages with how much I love my dad... he is why i am who i am.

anyway, i stood up and went over to my dad who was exiting his study and walked over to him grinning a playful grin which he matched when he looked at me. He then reached out and handed me two small balled up rolls of white gift wrap tissue. I took them and started to unravel one. i unraveled and unraveled and unraveled. I teasingly paused and glanced up at my dad saying, "is there anything in here...?". "keep going" he assured me. When i finally got to the bottom i opened a small silver thimble with a picture of the homestead on it. The homestead is the hotel my mom and dad had just stayed in on their vacation. my mother and father and i all started giggling and we continued to giggle as i unwrapped the next ball of tissue to find ...ANOTHER thimble. this one was slightly larger and white ceramic with a picture of a mountain and "utah" emblazoned over the top. We all burst out laughing and i hugged my dad and thanked him. My mom said, "i tried to get him to only buy one, but he had to buy them both!" he hugged me back gave me a kiss on the cheek and gently poked my sides to tickle me.

now, this is the very best part. Why is it you think my dad returned from this vacation bearing not one, but two thimbles for me? ....because i was "knitting". In actuality i was crocheting. and even more importantly neither one of those activities requires a thimble or runs the risk of being pricked by a needle.

"why is this the best part?" one might wonder. i will tell you. it is the best part because it means that my dad paid such close attention to me to notice that i was sitting in the living room "knitting" as we watched tv. it means he listened as i mentioned in passing that i was going to need more yarn. it means he was interested in what i was doing. it means he wanted to help me. It means he cares that i don't prick my fingers. It means he loves me.

That is why i now think a thimble just might be one of the greatest gifts...

You'll see the sun come shining through if you just smile...

Today you made me smile. and the smile bubbled up from deep inside my belly all the way out the tips of my hair. If felt refreshing and at the same time...somehow expected. but it was still surprising. and it planted a smile on these lips. thank you.

OOOOh, AHHHH, OHHHHH...

I really do love the 4th of July.

My favorite part is going to go see the fireworks.

fireworks are magical.

My whole family packs up blankets and drives over to louisville and we always get there too late to park anywhere near where the fireworks are so we all lug our blankets and chairs a good half mile to get to the park. then we must of course find the perfect spot amidst all the other celebrators and once we do we lay down the blankets and all of us huddle together and listen to the band play while we wait for the light to drip from the sky before the spectacle begins.

it is just one of the most wonderful feelings ever.

happy fourth of July

A little poetry on a Saturday.

I love this poem. It is by a German Poet. Rainer Maria Rilke. I love a lot of what he has to say actually...about seeing people and solitude and love and art and life. anyway...

"Love Song"

How can I keep my soul in me, so that
it doesn't touch your soul? How can I raise
it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn't resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.

Thanks For Being My Balloons

Thanks for being my Balloons. I know that you have no idea you are being my balloons right now, but you are. you are making me feel lifted and you aren't even trying. We make a funny pair you and me. We are so different but somehow we make sense. if you weren't in my life i would be different. you challenge me and you make me consider even silly (yet interesting) things, like, "how many of the people out there in the world that i could be happy with speak english?". I know you really care about me and you respect my opinion on things. You make me feel smart and interesting and like i could give something valuable to the world. and i appreciate that. You have listened to me complain about boys and i have heard all your girl stories. you make me laugh, you gross me out, and you humiliate me sometimes...but i always, always have fun with you. and i love you so much.

the other day we were talking and you stopped whatever silliness we were chatting about and, in that serious, "i mean what i am about to say" voice you said, "you are absolutely beautiful" and in that moment i got so close to tears. it was embarrassing. and then of course you said something utterly ridiculous but it didn't matter, you had already made my day.

and also, you call me every single day. i love that. even when we only talk for two minutes it means so much to me that you thought of me and you called. you are interested in my stupid everyday life and that is rare. you are someone in my life who truly truly makes me feel loved. and i hope you know how much i truly truly love you.

thank you. thank you for being my balloons.

crack

yesterday i felt the crack in my heart with your name on it grow just a little deeper. it hurt. Everytime you do this it gets deeper and deeper and i wonder how many more times it will take before you cut all the way through and just break it.

And by now all i can do is is wonder how many times i am going to fight for something you won't. how many times am i going to lose all my pride and beg you to be with me? how long until you grow up? how long till i matter at all? of course, i know somewhere in me that i am never going to stop fighting for you. i love you too damn much. i know cause i love you more than you love me.

i almost started crying last night when i found out there was another battle to be had and i didn't even know it was coming. i didn't cry because i wasn't alone, but i felt my eyes sting in that all too familiar way. you know the what the worst part was? it was the part where you gave up. the part where you said, "i have accepted it". that crushed me.

and I am sorry i hurt you. I didn't even know i did. I still wouldn't if it hadn't been for someone else. after all this time you can't bring yourself to talk to me? I must not be a very good friend to you, and i apologize for that.

today, you sent me a message. it didn't say anything about how you feel. but, it was something. and it was you reaching out a little. it was you fighting just a little bit...and it made me feel like that crack with your name on it started to heal just a little.

thank you.

please don't give up ever. fight for our friendship. it matters. i know it does.