go away.

I am a nice person, but I hate dogs.

I don't particularly like any animals, actually.

today my roommates found a dog and they brought it home. i wish it would leave.

it makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable all the time. i never ever want a dog.

i wish i could magically become allergic. then people wouldn't glare at me when i tell them to get their dog away from me please.

forgive.

I had a week that was a little bit less than wonderful this week.

First of all there was a terrible misunderstanding and I thought that my dearest friend felt abused by me. it turned out to be all just a big mistake, but still, for those five or so hours i thought i had failed a friendship and that i had hurt someone i love and it made me feel miserable.

the relief i felt when i realized it wasn't true was immense. (i love you so very much rachell...)

however, in a twist of brutal irony, someone else who i love dearly accused me of the same sort of things three days later. for reals this time. She accused me of using her and betraying her for a year. She said she felt awkward around me and there wasn't really anything she could do and she was kind of over it. I didn't know what to say. i sat there and i couldn't make myself look anywhere but the knees of my jeans. i listened to my heart deflate.

I tried to tell her and show her that what she thought wasn't true. I hadn't used her words (and even now i can't think of a way they could have helped me get to what she thought i wanted), and i would never, ever do something like that. but, i probably didn't have the right words. it was hard for me to think.

At the end she said she was sorry and that it was a stupid assumption. and i told her that it was not just a stupid assumption to me. To me it was a very serious accusation about who she thought i was as a person. and it hurt me. it hurt me that she waited so long to say anything. it hurt me that she believed something without asking me, it hurt me that she thought a relationship i thought was valuable and so important was nothing but a lie. it just hurt me everywhere.

so then i left and i have been thinking about what i want to happen now. i wondered what she wanted to happen now. i got a note and a gift from her the other day. so maybe she still wants to be my friend. maybe she believes me now.

the question was, did i still want to be her friend. did i want to forgive her?

my reasoning, in the end, sounds very selfish, but somehow i do believe it is not. I decided i would forgive her. i love her and i want to be friends. I decided this because i was thinking that in my relationships i want to be able to mess up and i want to be allowed to be a human and maybe even hurt someone without the fear that they will abandon me. I want people to forgive me, because i know i will certainly need it, and that is the least i could offer to her.

but also, this means that i want friends who know me deeply. and i do think that i have those. One of the reasons i feel i can forgive her is that i know her. I know that she has a tendency towards a bit of jealousy. and i know how easily jealousy takes over and makes you believe things you don't actually believe. I know she didn't really think i was a horrible person the way she thought she did. and i would hope that if i ever had a similar situation with a friend they would know that i truly loved them, madly and deeply, and i had just allowed myself to believe the things that seemed appealing in the moment.

and so I forgive. because i know you, and because someday i will want to be forgiven and i will want you to think about what you know to be true about me. and forgive me.

riddle me this

I had a fun conversation tonight.

it was with you.

you told me I had standards that were unreachable and I showed you the error of your ways and i told you, "it is not like i am turning anybody away"

i guess i just give off some kind of vibe that tells people to keep their distance.

and then you went on to say, "well i don't know, ash. but let me tell you this. you are absolutely beautiful. you are fun and funny and smart and you have all your stuff together. You are a complete package. the only thing that keeps me from wanting to be with you is that I know our lives are going in completely different directions. you are definitely desirable. you just don't seem very dateable.....but you are really desirable. I think all the guys you think just don't see you, actually do see you and they just don't know how to approach you. you are very desirable"

interesting.

well then, riddle me this: how do i become more dateable???

i don't know.

but anyway. thanks for saying that. it was nice to hear.

if...

Things I would do if i was unendingly wealthy:

1. travel

2. have fresh flowers all over my house always

3. Buy very nice underwear from victoria's secret.

of course this is not a conclusive list of things i would do if i was unendingly wealthy. these are the selfish things. but they are still quite fun to think about...

:)

flower

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine gave me a rose. I put it in a vase on my nightstand by my bed. over the next few days I watched it bloom into something beautiful and amazing. And it greeted me every morning and watched over me while I slept. and it reminded me of how much magic and beauty is in the world. and i felt a little better about life while i looked at that rose. and somehow it dried itself into the perfect formation when it died and now it sits on my shelf.

As i was lamenting the lack of my fresh flower i received another flower which i then gladly placed in the vase next to me. and when that one died, just by chance, it was the evening my mom came to see me in a show and she gave me another bouquet of flowers which lived by my bed.

but now those are dead and there is no more occasion for anyone to give me any flowers.

but i really love fresh flowers. i appreciate them a lot. Well done God. very well done.

Fall back.

This is a picture of a bit of my backyard at home in Colorado. it was taken by my mother. and i am a little in love with it. you can almost feel a warm breeze and smell the unmistakable scent of crisp air when you look at it.

How could anyone not enjoy the autumn?