Sunday, August 28, 2011


This is an ode to my keds.

My keds are so beloved to me. They used to be a pristine, glowing white and I would wear them with sundresses and my pair of blue shorts. I walked about campus in them and wore them to Hollywood and I never played silly summer soccer in them because I wanted to avoid the grass stains on my beloved white Keds.

As it turns out, city folk walk a whole lot more than anyone else in the world. When I first arrived, this was news to me, but I came to accept it as a way of life. Now it is one of the things I love the most about living here. I don't bat an eye at walking 30 blocks. 30 blocks? That is child's play. There are days I have certainly walked more than a hundred. I do it absentmindedly now...I am not even aware I am walking. I am just getting to where I need to be. This city offers so much to see no matter where you are headed and putting all those blocks beneath my feet has afforded me the opportunity to see great things.
but oh, my Keds.

You may laugh, but my Keds are my sturdiest pair of shoes. Their white dreamy-ness was quickly lost in this city as they became my go to shoe. These shoes have seen three of the five boroughs, and logged endless miles. They have turned to a cloudy shade of grey, but somehow my fondness for them has only grown. These are tough shoes, my keds. I like to hope they will last forever: the shoes that helped me discover New York.

I am also thinking that maybe everyone should live, for a time, in a place where their main mode of transportation is their own feet.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Happiness is

I am finding myself undeniably happy these days.

I feel like my life is full of promise and possibility. There is always this underlying notion of "anything can happen" and that is thrilling. I feel full.

It took me a long time to get here. The New York road was a bumpy one and I got lost a time or two, but I have finally found my way to a home. I feel at home. I feel happy. And it feels so good after so long.

It is a different happiness though.

When I was visiting California the moment I got off the plane I was overwhelmed with happiness. I just felt this surging joy and certain belonging. I still feel all those things when I think of California. I am happy in California. That is just a fact. It is effortless and wonderful. I love the people, I love the way of life, I love the weather, I love disneyland, I love driving, I love my friend-family. There is no work to my happiness when I am there. It just is. And I think that is a rare and beautiful thing. Someday I will return to that Happiness.

My New York Happiness is different. My New York happiness is earned. I have to work for it, and I always will. It will never be effortless and simple. It will always be a fight and it will always need to be maintained. It will waiver on many more occasions. But all those things do make it feel so very satisfying. It feels so empowering to know that I earned this happiness. To know that I can be in a place where I felt so lost and broken and sad and still come out the other side with a genuine Joy at the life I get to live here. I made this happiness. I built it on my own. (0bviously not completely on my own....I can do nothing on my own. I can see God's handiwork all over this last year when I look at it and I don't mean to claim any victories were mine. They were all His, but through me.) I found a way to stand back up. I am braver and stronger than I thought I was. I feel as though I can do anything.

Oh, New York Happiness, you complicated beast, Bring it on! I am ready to fight for you this next year. You are worth it.

somebody to love

There is a hurricane brewing outside.

When I moved to New York I never imagined hurricanes to be on the list of things I may have to worry about, but here we are. Actually, I am rather enjoying it; it feels exciting.

Right now the rain is coming down in heavy sheets and making a soothing pitter-patter-y noise and occasional gusts of wind whistle against the windows. The power keeps going on and off, making my evening viewing of "Cast Away" impossible and so I sit and write. But what should I say...

I think I have come to a realization recently: I have a problem with dating. That is to say, I can't get one. not one date. Of course that is not the realization, that is old news after 23 years. The realization is as to why.
After I moved to the city I decided to join okcupid under the peer pressure of some friends. That is a tale in itself, but to sum up: I hated it. Oh, how I hated it. And I am simply no good at meeting people in bars or clubs and it has been hard to make friends out here, let alone find anyone to be interested in.
So, I got to thinking, what was it about internet dating and things of that sort that I, personally, don't like. So I spent some time mulling it over and this is what I have come to:

So many people in the world want to fall in Love. They want it like a goal or a New Years Resolution ("This year I will fall in Love!"). They want to do whatever it takes to be in Love, to feel what that means, to live the way one does when they are in love. And it does sound like a noble goal, to fall in love. It sounds like such a nice thing to go after. How wonderful to be in Love...that is a great New Years Resolution.

However, I don't want to fall in love.
I want to love someone.

Falling in love feels much more personal to me than searching through a host of people who are all searching for someone, anyone, to love them. I don't want to find somebody who is just anybody. And I don't particularly want to be just anybody either.
I would rather meet someone and get to know him a bit and then realize that perhaps I like him and then maybe love him. And maybe he will love me too. But the falling in love is based on the fact that I met him specifically. Not because I was searching for somebody to want me, but because I was living my life the best way I could , and loving people the best way I could, and I met him.

I don't feel the need to chase after "falling in love" because my life has no lack of love. I have so much love in my life, certainly more than my fair share. I have so many people to love and so many people who love me. I have a full life that is filled with passions and adventures and doing things I have always wanted to do, as well as things I never dreamed I could. In truth, I want for nothing. I don't really think you can find love if you are looking for it because you feel like something is missing. I guess I think real love sets to overflowing an already full life.

I am finding it difficult to explain exactly what I mean by all this...I don't mean to say that it is wrong to want to fall in love, or that you shouldn't feel lonely, or even that finding someone online is, in any way, a cheaper experience than another way...I don't believe any of those things.
This was more my realization about what I want from love. About why it is difficult for me to find. Of course, this realization doesn't really change anything. It doesn't get me a date and it still finds me hanging out, eating vanilla ice cream and watching "You've Got Mail" by myself on a friday night. But I don't mind it, at least not for now. (in my book, anytime spent watching "You've Got Mail" was 2 hours well spent! haha)

My life is so full of wonderful right now.
and that is something I would not have said a mere few months ago. And I am so grateful.
and so loved.