Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I have loved you beautifully

i heard this song today on pandora. I was just listening to some music while i made dinner (which was quite delicious, thank you very much) and i was suddenly aware of the lyrics and i thought to myself, "wait, did that song really just say that!?" so i promptly went and looked up the lyrics. And it did in fact say that. I thought to myself that this was just a terribly sad song. Then i finished cooking dinner and ate and went on a walk with sue.
But i can't get this song out of my head. it is haunting me. I understand this many ways, at many times i feel like it could be about me. And i do still think it is so sad.
but at the same time, despite the tragedy inherent in it all, no matter how many people i have not been beautiful enough for i think it has always been worth it to love them that beautifully. To love someone beautifully, at least to me, means that you love them so fiercely and with so much grace and acceptance of their humanity. You love them as a person. For who they are in that moment. for who they could be. for who they will be even if they never reach their full potential. To love someone beautifully reaches so far beyond the realm of romance. And yet, it is the romance part that stings so deeply. and it does hurt. beautiful love is risky...but if we don't try it, we miss everything.

"Beautifully" by Jay Brannan
Every time he goes, she dies
Every time she comes, she cries

He was her long, bright future
In the middle of a wrong, dark road
He loved her, but he wasn't too sure
If he could return the love she showed
When she said, my love extends
Beyond the realm of being friends
He kissed her head
And quietly he said

It's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me
She said, how beautiful do I have to be?
When I look in the mirror, you're the only thing I see
And I have loved you beautifully

Well, ten thousand tears passed by
But she never let him see her cry
And he called up down one night
He said, let's get in the car and just drive

He talked a lot about loneliness
But why, she didn't know
And some song about Memphis
Was playing on the radio
She said, let's stop the car and slow dance
Won't you just give me a chance?
He took her hand
And hoped she'd understand

It's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me
She said, how beautiful do I have to be?
When I look in the mirror, you're the only thing I see
And I have loved you beautifully

Well, she'll burn that bridge
And build a house
And swallow the smoke in her mouth
She'll feel the burn
And then make the choice
To put the fire in her voice

It's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me
She said, how beautiful do I have to be?
When I look in the mirror, you're the only thing I see
And I have loved you beautifully

Monday, September 13, 2010

thank you sir.

About a month ago a friend told me he was going to take me to dinner and a show. I was pretty excited. and so on the evening we were going to go I spent far longer than usual getting ready and tried to be fancy. I wore a dress and heals and more makeup than just mascara and chapstick. i put a flower in my hair. and i felt pretty.
then i got in my car and drove over to my friends apartment. Once i arrived there i had to wait for someone to come and open the gate to let me in. while I was standing there waiting there was another man standing at the gate. He had a big van and he was waiting for a pair of women who were coming out of the apartment complex. The van had a wheelchair ramp, as one of the women was in a wheelchair. We stood there next to each other for a few moments and awkwardly glanced at one another in a brief greeting. Then, just as the women were almost to the gate he looked at me and he said something. I couldn't quite understand what he had said, so i said, "I'm sorry, what?" and then he looked at me and said, "you look like a queen." that took me quite off guard, and so there was a brief silence and then i replied, "oh...well, thank you!" and then i walked inside the gate and went to meet my friend.

I still think about this short interchange. And i am so thankful for that man. That man made me feel beautiful and lovely for at least a whole month. Anytime i felt like anything less, i remembered that that man thought i looked like a queen.
there is so much power in the tiny small things we say, and the next time i think someone looks "like a queen" i hope i have enough courage to tell them because it might just lift them up for much longer than i ever expected.

Try to remember the kind of september...

a little while ago a friend and I were discussing memory. We talked and laughed about the things we remembered and why our minds choose the things they do to hold on to. I have some very distinct and vivid memories of childhood which seem to me to be rather useless. I have no idea why i remember them. But then there are other things, such as singing "what i did for love" in show choir, that i have absolutely no recollection of. none. i still wouldn't believe we had sung that song except for the fact that i watched myself do it on videotape.

we mused about this topic for awhile, and then she mentioned that our brains can only hold so much. so many memories. She said that this is why older people can go on and on about memories from the past, but it is hard for them to remember more recent events. Their mind is simply full.

I feel a little bit sad about that.

I feel like during this time in my life, last summer in particular, I tried to store up every possible moment. Every sensation, every smell, every new thought, all the funny jokes and the way it feels when you hug me. I wanted to keep it all. I still want to keep it all. Anyone who knows me knows that i truly listen. I try to be fully engaged in the moment with whoever i am with. That is why i am good at remembering things people said and birthdays and lots and lots of moments in life. And i am glad i have all those things, all my shimmery memories. I need them.
I don't think there will ever come a time in my life when I am not going to want to save all the memories i can. I want to remember as much about this life as i possibly can, and it breaks my heart a bit to think that one day so many things will be gone, like that memory of "what i did for love".

But for now, i have heaps of lovely memories and moments to stop and revisit throughout the day. And I am thankful for them. and i always will be.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

a pile

I find myself having written down a pile of 5 things to blog about. And i do want to write these blogs...

but do you ever just find yourself sitting there thinking, "It is 2:30 in the morning and I am exhausted. why am I awake?" Well, if you have found yourself in that position then you will know quite exactly how i am feeling at this very moment as i watch the clock continue counting the minutes even further into the wee hours.

and so, there shall be no blogs on this early morning. but there shall be sleep. and i hope it rains again tomorrow. except i hope it stops just long enough that i can make the walk to the grocery store without completely soaking my jeans. :)

My favorite thing today

This video brought me very much joy.
it made me smile like this :)

"Marcel the shell with shoes on"

Sunday, September 5, 2010

texts from my dad. Volume 5

"bite the apple.
bite the apple again.
you go girl.