Thursday, December 31, 2009

texts from my dad.

Every so often my dad sends me the most amazing text messages. they make me giggle so much.

this is the one he sent me a day or two before i came home for christmas break. they always start with "A:" and end with "love dad"

A: A trip, you are taking a trip.
that's so hip.
i think i will bake a cake and take a nip
have a nice trip.
love dad

haha! and he did, in fact, make a cake.

things that last

"We all know that something is eternal. and it aint houses and it ain't names, and it ain't earth, and it ain't even the stars...everybody knows in their bones that something is eternal, and that something has to do with human beings. All the greatest people ever lived have been telling us that for five thousand years and yet you would be surprised how people are always losing hold of it. there is something way down deep that is eternal about every human being"

Our Town

right out loud

I have a distinct recollection of a conversation i had with a friend when i was younger in which i told her i would never, ever, be the first one in any relationship to tell the other person i loved them first. when i think about it, it strikes me as a bit funny that i thought that even from such an early age.

It has never been an easy thing for me to tell people how i feel about them. I always feel remarkably awkward, and my voice usually shakes, and i lose any eloquent words i have, and my face becomes about 3000 degrees. It is not generally an enjoyable experience for me, at least in the moment i am trying to do it.

I have become a great deal better at telling people how i feel in the past few years because i think it is such an important thing to do. and i always appreciate it so much when people tell me how they feel about me. it can change your life. being honest and sharing your heart and telling others what you see in them makes for secure relationships that are free from the pain of wondering where you stand. games are avoided, and hearts are visible. of course it is that very reason that makes it all so scary. it requires the ability to lay down your pride and let down your walls to tell someone they matter to you. sometimes it feels embarrassing. it almost never gets easier to do this....but i have always found it worth it.

in most of my relationships i can't remember the first time i told the person i loved them or the first time they told me they loved me. it was just something that happened and we both just knew and the moment of saying "i love you" wasn't really momentous. i have never been in any kind of romantic relationship so i never had any kind of "in love with you moment" either. those kind of moments were foreign to me.

however, i am currently involved in a friendship that is different from all the other ones i have had. This relationship required that "i love you" be intentional and acknowledged. and it was funny because i thought i would be afraid to tell this person i loved them. i thought i would be nervous and i thought it would be hard to get the words out. But, it was not. at the moment the most important thing was that he had to know that i love him.
and i have discovered something; when you actually love someone you don't give a damn whether they love you back, you just love them. you just want them to know.

in "my best friends wedding" one of the characters says, "when you love someone you say it. right then. out loud."
i couldn't agree more.

let the countdown begin

it is new years eve in the year 2009. somehow the end of the year always surprises me and reminds me of the fact that our years here are, in fact, numbered. This was a beautiful year. it was filled with surprises and hurts and joys and lessons and moments of absolute breathlessness.
It was, in many ways, everything a year should be. I am grateful for it.

happy new year...

Both Sides Now.

i love this song so much. I don't think i ever realized how sad it was until recently. but it remains so beautiful to me, and although it is sad, it makes me feel light. i always have a slight smile with this song

Both Sides Now
by Joni Mitchell

Bows and flows of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons everywhere
i've looked at clouds that way

but now they only block the sun
they rain and they snow on everyone
so many things i would have done
but clouds got in my way

i've looked at clouds from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions i recall
i really don't know clouds at all

moons and Junes and ferris wheels
the dizzy dancing way you feel
as every fairy tale comes real
i've looked at love that way

but now it's just another show
you leave em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know
don't give yourself away

i've looked at love from both sides now
from give and take, and still somehow
it's love's illusions i recall
i really don't know love at all

tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "i love you" right out loud
dreams and schemes and circus crowds
i've looked at life that way

oh but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well something's lost, but somethings gained
in living every day

i've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose, and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all

i've looked at life from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I think "want" is more powerful than "need"

Of course, there are those few things in our life that we actually need, such as food and shelter and water. Clearly, the pursuit of those items is more important than anything else we simply want.

But, in the realm of any relationship, i think want is much more than need.

the fact is that needs eventually get met. If you need me for some reason, eventually that reason will be gone, and then i will be useless. my function in your life having been served.
I try to make sure none of my relationships are based on the fact that I just need that person for something.

**(I am also trying to figure out what I think about the idea of actually needing anyone specific. I am undecided as to what I think. I know that we need people. As humans that is just true. But do we need specific people? it seems that should someone we think we "need" die, most people find a way to continue living. proving that we did not, in fact, need that specific person. But that sounds terrible to me. at the same time though, it also makes the whole "wanting" thing even more valuable. i don't know...anyway that is a topic for a different time. i got side tracked.)

But if you want me. That is entirely different. If you want me in your life because you have been getting to know me and you enjoy my company and you like who I am, well, that is something that can last. Eventually, you may then need me for something, and i will be more than happy to do everything in my power to help you, but once that need is met, you will still want me around. When i can do nothing for you, you will still like who I am.

Sometimes it does feel nice to feel "needed"; to fulfill a purpose in someone's life. I won't deny that. But to be wanted. that is much better to me.

be assured that if you are someone i share my life with it is because i want you there. And i trust my self to need you should something arise, but at the end of the day you are here because i want you. And i always will.


I had a conversation with you a while ago.
you were telling me about some girl you liked. or, at least had a crush on.
you said it was hard for you to focus because "When she is in the room, everything else is blurry"
For one moment I felt this stinging pang slice through me while I wished that anyone in the world felt like that about me. and to be quite honest, it still sounds a little desirable. There is something in that phrase that I just want.

and this phrase stuck in my head.

but I realized that while that is a lovely romantic notion and it makes me swoon and i think it belongs in a charming movie that will make me sigh and reach for the tissues, it is not actually what i want at all.
I don't want someone who can't see anything but me. I want someone who has perfect vision of everything in the room, and chooses me anyway. I don't want to blind someone to the rest of the world. I want my presence in it to make him more aware of everything surrounding him.

that is what i want. That is what living a life with someone means to me.

Monday, December 14, 2009



I love this word.
at exactly the same time, it terrifies me.

I feel like I am constantly trying to learn how to live this word. How can I look at this world, or know what I know, or feel anything, or have been involved in my own life and be able to do anything "anyway"?

But I think the only way to actually have a life is to live by "anyway". To make anything out of the mess in this world I have to learn to be able to look at it and live in it and see it for what it is, and then I have to throw some of my constant rationalization and my perceived reality away... and trust anyway. and leap anyway. and risk anyway. and share anyway.
and love anyway.
with reckless abandon.

to live anyway.

anyway means being ready to feel and to hurt and to be absolutely breakable. To let things in.

most of the time, I don't live anyway. but sometimes, i do.
and the rest of the time i am learning how to figure it out.

Monday, December 7, 2009

pomegranates and people

I think some of the greatest evidence for the existence of God is found in the pomegranate. look at it. It is amazing. it is intricate and beautiful and delicious. God is a creative being. i certainly never could have thought of something so lovely and interesting. It is impossible for me to eat a pomegranate without having at least a few thoughts at the wonder of my God.

Now, when I am going to eat a pomegranate i like to do it like this:
First i set out many paper towels and make sure i have on an ugly shirt or an apron because pomegranate juice is serious. then i cut the pomegranate in half and i spend as long as it takes removing every seed from the rind and that mysterious yellow film-y stuff inside. I then wash all the seeds in very cold water and put them in a bowl. I love the way pomegranate seeds look sitting in a bowl. I think they look like treasure. to me they look like hundreds of rubies huddled together.

It does not take a great intellect to know that these seeds are not as valuable as rubies, but in that moment they mean a great deal to me. they may as well be treasure.

This is the way i think about my life. my experiences and memories. they are my pomegranate seeds. inside of me i have thousands of shimmering, crimson and burgundy thoughts and stories. To me they are treasure. They are as valuable and as important as rubies and when you remove them from me and put them in a bowl i still think they are lovely and make up something important.

that is why i appreciate you. Sometimes when i share with you i could swear that you look at the small pomegranate seed i put in your hand and you think it is a piece of treasure too. And even when you don't think of it as a ruby you still appreciate it. and you understand. and you don't look at me like i am crazy because i think a piece of fruit is as lovely as a gem.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

two are better than one

In Genesis we are told about God's creation of the world. Cosmos and land and water and vegetation and animals and man, all created by a vast, interesting, loving God. Now in these days God and Adam (the first and only man) had a perfect kind of communion. The world was, as of yet, untouched by sin. God did things like talk to Adam and send him all the animals so Adam could name them and wander about in the beautiful Garden he created.

as i was looking over this passage in the scriptures it struck me that it was before sin had come into play and while God and Adam had this fantastic relationship that God said, "it is not good for man to be alone" and then he created eve to be a partner to Adam.

Wait one moment....It is not good for man to be alone? How was Adam alone? he was in perfect relationship with God.

this is what i find interesting. I think so often we think, "All i need is God" and that needing other people or wanting a partner is a part of the sinful nature of humanity and its effects on life on this earth, but it is not. No matter how fantastic any person's relationship with God is, it is still not good for him to be alone. In God's perfect creation of human beings we were supposed to be together and not alone. Desire for community and companionship is part of God's perfect plan, and not a consequence of humanity.