Monday, June 22, 2009

The world will always envy time goes by

To tell you the truth I thought it would be easier to be kissed...

as of today, june 22, 2009, it has been 21 years, 8 months, and 15 days. I am still waiting.

In the film "little Women" Amy says, "I have waited my whole life to be kissed, and what if i miss it?" I often feel that way.
Part of me is worried that I will miss it because I am too afraid. Afraid of kissing the wrong person or afraid of what it would mean to kiss someone. Not to mention, now that it has been so long I have built this kiss up a lot in my head and I want it to mean something. I think people have lost the value of such important romantic holding hands. or kissing. To so many people a kiss is not very valuable. it is something they give away to people who are nearly strangers. But that is not the way it is for me. As corny and silly as it sounds when i say it out loud, or write it down as the case may be now, I think a kiss is valuable. I think it is being vulnerable and giving away a part of yourself. I never want to be someone people can say, "who hasn't made out with her?" (A phrase I heard used the other day about one of my dear friends.) I want whoever the man may be that i let kiss me to know I am not doing it simply because I appreciate the meal he purchased me or because I think he is so attractive I just can't help myself, but instead because he means something to me and I care enough about this kiss that I will never regret it and I will remember, no matter what happens, who he is and why I gave a little bit of myself to him.

another reason i am worried i will miss it is the reason that makes me hate myself just a little bit (which is more than enough) for even acknowledging. i am afraid no one will ever want to kiss me. There is a small but powerful part of me that refuses to believe this, but the thought creeps up on me more steadily as time goes on because the truth of the matter is that I have no reasonable evidence to show that anyone ever will want me. No one has yet. How old do you think the average person is when they get their first kiss? i have a hunch it is a long time before they reach 22. My Gosh...i am going to graduate college and never even held someone's hand.

I wish I knew what it was that made someone like someone else. Or the reason no one has liked me. But I am not like other girls who would change themselves or pretend to be something they aren't. The fact of the matter is that i like who i am. I know what I want, and what i believe, and who i am. And I am very independent. I learned to be that way. I like that. I am happy. I like knowing that i can do it on my own...but that doesn't mean that is the way i would choose it to be.

i already hate this blog. it makes me feel like every other man-crazy girl i hate. but that doesn't make it any less true.

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