Tuesday, October 6, 2009


There is a distinct noise a balloon makes when it deflates. If you close your eyes you can hear it. It is a soft hissing noise and if you think about it it can make your stomach feel like it is caving in. I feel a little like that. like everyday a little more of my air is escaping.

Sign creeper talked to me again tonight. I don't know why he keeps on trying. I have turned him down every single time, but everytime i feel a little worse about it. But I am not a nice person and the reason i feel worse everytime has very little to do with the fact that i might actually be hurting his feelings and more with the worry that now he is going to think i am truly a jerk and he will never try to talk to me again. Of course, i don't particularly enjoy it when he talks to me. I call him sign creeper for a reason. he makes me uncomfortable. i never miss our conversation, but it would be a lie to say there was not a part of me that feels good about the fact that time after time he has decided it is worth me rejecting him to ask me, one more time, if i want to be friends. It feels nice to be wanted. even just a little. even by sign creeper.
Of course, i have been completely honest. I have not led him on or misled him, because i think that is a horrible thing to do to a person. I shoot him down every time, and fairly bluntly. But once the conversation is over i wonder if that was finally the last time the little chatbox with his name on it will pop up on my facebook page. And i think how relieved i will be. And i also think about how somewhere deep down i hope it is not the last time. I wish for another chance to turn him down because that would mean i am still worth it. Pretty soon i wont be worth it anymore. I think he is finally getting the message, much to my delight and regret.

I am so ready to be wanted.
no one is ready to want me.

As anyone who is romantically lonely knows, your lonliness comes in waves, in seasons. There are times when you hardly notice the small empty place in your mind and heart, and then there are times when that small empty place feels like it is threatening to unhinge its mouth and swallow you whole. Sometimes it feels like the waves might just drag you out to sea. Right now i feel like i am trying to hang on to my life boat. But soon the storm will pass. the season will change. It won't be the day before my 22nd birthday and i won't be thinking about the fact that in 22 years the most men i have managed to interest is one sign creeper.
it will be a new day, and i will appreciate the new chill in the air and i will let it fill my bones and shock my senses and i will feel better and i will tie my life boat up on the shore again and i will wrap myself in a warm sweater and a scarf i made myself and i will enjoy my favorite season: the fall.

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