i think Rhett is dreamy...

No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.

-Rhett Butler. Gone With the Wind.

advice

my mom got a new cat the other day. a little baby kitty. it is a boy. he is unnamed as of yet. (though i suggested she should name him stud. but she won't cause she would be embarrassed by that!) anyway when i was asking her if the cat was a boy or a girl she said it was a boy and that she was not going to get any more girl cats because they were not as nice. and then she said this to me, and i quote:

"No, it is a boy. i am not getting any more girls. i am sticking with fixed boys...you should stick with fixed boys too, ash."

thanks mom. i will keep that in mind.
:)

i am

Sometimes when i pause for a moment and look back on things God is so evident. I can almost physically see how He orchestrated things...and i am kind of blown away. breathless. grateful. I wish i lived more aware of this instead of waiting to look back.
Today i am astounded by God's grace and knowledge and blessings.
sometimes the most comforting thing i can realize is that God is God and he has taken care of me so far. and He won't stop.

A few months ago i was feeling...well, i don't know how to explain how i was feeling really....but i wrote Psalm 46:10 on my mirror "Be still and know that I am God". I was tired of feeling the way i felt and the only way i could see not feeling it was to try to live that verse. Try to be still. Try to rest in that God is God and be certain of Him.

this is hard for me, because sometimes i tend toward uncertainty. But i think it is a choice. i am trying to live this way even when i don't "feel" it. When i would prefer to feel self pity, or jealousy, or anger, or annoyance, or hurt...i try to remember to be still. i fail at this a lot...but i will continue trying to choose to live this way because even though i can't see now,

i know that one day i will see

purge

inspired by a friend of mine who forgave herself. i thought i should give it a try.

i forgive myself for being messy and leaving my clothes on the floor

i forgive myself for being a procrastinator

i forgive myself for not being able to find a job

i forgive myself for not being as faithful as i should be

i forgive myself for all the things i know i should not feel

i forgive myself for not having a boyfriend

i forgive myself for caring that i do not have a boyfriend

i forgive myself for having doubts

i forgive myself for not being skinny

i forgive myself for being scared to sing

i forgive myself for being shy

i forgive myself for being afraid of breaking the rules

i forgive myself for not knowing how to use any technology

i forgive myself for not enjoying most sports

i forgive myself for the days when i feel sad

i forgive myself for not liking dogs

i forgive myself for not trying harder with you

i forgive myself for being scared to leave

i forgive myself for wanting to be married someday

i forgive myself for not calling enough

i forgive myself for my moments of cowardice

i forgive myself because i have been forgiven, and if God can forgive me, then i should forgive me.

I forgive myself so i can try again tomorrow.

a day at the park.

i had some friends come to visit me last week. on saturday we spent an hour of adventure exploring the wonder that is ikea, and then we went to the park. Earlier in the day we had stopped by the dollar store to find some things to play with. We got a package of buzz lightyear bubbles, a mini bowling set, and a foam rocket launcher. our ages are 22, 22, and 28 respectively. We proceeded to play with the bowling and bubbles and rocket for a long time in the park, constantly rolling gutter balls and popping bubbles and shooting the foam rocket at each other. we laughed a lot. the sun was shining. there was a breeze. there were tall trees. it was perfect.

i feel so grateful to have friends who can enjoy simple childlike wonderment with me, because that is how i felt on that day. and i loved it.

we must hold onto our wonderment and the small simple pleasures.

genie of the lamp

my friends helped me finalize my list of my three wishes i would make should i ever come upon a genie.

1. I wish for a magical wallet that always produces the exact amount of money i need whenever I need it.
2. I wish to fly
3. I wish to be able to eat whatever i like and always remain healthy and in shape.

unless of course i need to free the genie with my third wish. then i will just have to do a lot of flying for exercise...

the string around my finger.

sometimes I forget about romance...
of course this is the moment that anyone who reads this blog says, "LIAR! almost every other post on here is about romance of some kind!" and they would be right in saying that. I think about romance and love and relationship a lot, but i think of it in theories and in my imagination, but I frequently forget about romance as an actuality. I think i stopped thinking about it as something that could happen in my life. it is hard for me to think of it that way because i have always been so removed from it. At this point considering any romantic happenings actually happening in my life feels as realistic as considering that the next time my doorbell rings there might be an alien there. I wish this was an exaggeration, but it is not. I cannot even imagine being asked on a date because that feels almost otherworldly to me...and i have a big imagination.

anyway, all this to say that I think I am becoming something I don't want to be. I don't want to roll my eyes at romance. I need to remember these things. I need to remember romance. I need to remember it as a reality.

to protect myself from feeling hurt i usually try to make myself feel "above" romantic things. truthfully i will probably still do that to some degree, But i need to remember to be receptive to romance. I hope that someday i meet someone who tells me all sorts of cheesy lines (because cheesy is perfectly acceptable to me as long as it is sincere), and I hope I can take them all and enjoy them and remember them. And i hope they make me smile and laugh and I hope i let myself believe them.

i will remember romance. at least i will give it my very best shot. and if i forget, hopefully i will remember tomorrow.

Kitchen, dancing in the

I love dancing in the kitchen. Ever since I was a kid i would always try to make my dad dance with me while he was cooking. I rarely succeeded as my dad is not a big dancer, but i could always get my mom to spin me around the kitchen. As i grow up i find this practice loses none of its joy. i have danced and sung and clapped around the kitchen with all my roommates. Kendra and i have slow danced ever so dramatically. Mikael and i have danced in the kitchen. Sue and i just had a little mini dance party to a song we just watched steve martin perform. I love to dance in the kitchen.

I feel like the kitchen is such an alive place. It is a place where all your senses are engaged and that makes me feel so aware of what an experience it is to live. And then you add the dancing and it is even better! i hope i always have people to dance with me in the kitchen.