I am finding myself undeniably happy these days.
I feel like my life is full of promise and possibility. There is always this underlying notion of "anything can happen" and that is thrilling. I feel full.
It took me a long time to get here. The New York road was a bumpy one and I got lost a time or two, but I have finally found my way to a home. I feel at home. I feel happy. And it feels so good after so long.
It is a different happiness though.
When I was visiting California the moment I got off the plane I was overwhelmed with happiness. I just felt this surging joy and certain belonging. I still feel all those things when I think of California. I am happy in California. That is just a fact. It is effortless and wonderful. I love the people, I love the way of life, I love the weather, I love disneyland, I love driving, I love my friend-family. There is no work to my happiness when I am there. It just is. And I think that is a rare and beautiful thing. Someday I will return to that Happiness.
My New York Happiness is different. My New York happiness is earned. I have to work for it, and I always will. It will never be effortless and simple. It will always be a fight and it will always need to be maintained. It will waiver on many more occasions. But all those things do make it feel so very satisfying. It feels so empowering to know that I earned this happiness. To know that I can be in a place where I felt so lost and broken and sad and still come out the other side with a genuine Joy at the life I get to live here. I made this happiness. I built it on my own. (0bviously not completely on my own....I can do nothing on my own. I can see God's handiwork all over this last year when I look at it and I don't mean to claim any victories were mine. They were all His, but through me.) I found a way to stand back up. I am braver and stronger than I thought I was. I feel as though I can do anything.
Oh, New York Happiness, you complicated beast, Bring it on! I am ready to fight for you this next year. You are worth it.
Wahoo! Get it, girl!
ReplyDeleteI am currently working to make my own brand of happiness as well. So far it has felt like the key to feeling like I've accomplished something is getting away, leaving home, moving to another state, starting completely over somewhere where I am no one and no one knows me--I want to GO. And the little pitfalls in my path that are keeping me from leaving make me feel like I'm always one-step-forward-three-steps-back on my dreams. I think that the step I'm missing here is that even if I am eventually going to wind up elsewhere following my dreams, I have to learn how to continue to grow and learn and cultivate contentment where I am now. That's still a work in progress.
I wish you well in your New York journey!