First of all there was a terrible misunderstanding and I thought that my dearest friend felt abused by me. it turned out to be all just a big mistake, but still, for those five or so hours i thought i had failed a friendship and that i had hurt someone i love and it made me feel miserable.
the relief i felt when i realized it wasn't true was immense. (i love you so very much rachell...)
however, in a twist of brutal irony, someone else who i love dearly accused me of the same sort of things three days later. for reals this time. She accused me of using her and betraying her for a year. She said she felt awkward around me and there wasn't really anything she could do and she was kind of over it. I didn't know what to say. i sat there and i couldn't make myself look anywhere but the knees of my jeans. i listened to my heart deflate.
I tried to tell her and show her that what she thought wasn't true. I hadn't used her words (and even now i can't think of a way they could have helped me get to what she thought i wanted), and i would never, ever do something like that. but, i probably didn't have the right words. it was hard for me to think.
At the end she said she was sorry and that it was a stupid assumption. and i told her that it was not just a stupid assumption to me. To me it was a very serious accusation about who she thought i was as a person. and it hurt me. it hurt me that she waited so long to say anything. it hurt me that she believed something without asking me, it hurt me that she thought a relationship i thought was valuable and so important was nothing but a lie. it just hurt me everywhere.
so then i left and i have been thinking about what i want to happen now. i wondered what she wanted to happen now. i got a note and a gift from her the other day. so maybe she still wants to be my friend. maybe she believes me now.
the question was, did i still want to be her friend. did i want to forgive her?
my reasoning, in the end, sounds very selfish, but somehow i do believe it is not. I decided i would forgive her. i love her and i want to be friends. I decided this because i was thinking that in my relationships i want to be able to mess up and i want to be allowed to be a human and maybe even hurt someone without the fear that they will abandon me. I want people to forgive me, because i know i will certainly need it, and that is the least i could offer to her.
but also, this means that i want friends who know me deeply. and i do think that i have those. One of the reasons i feel i can forgive her is that i know her. I know that she has a tendency towards a bit of jealousy. and i know how easily jealousy takes over and makes you believe things you don't actually believe. I know she didn't really think i was a horrible person the way she thought she did. and i would hope that if i ever had a similar situation with a friend they would know that i truly loved them, madly and deeply, and i had just allowed myself to believe the things that seemed appealing in the moment.
and so I forgive. because i know you, and because someday i will want to be forgiven and i will want you to think about what you know to be true about me. and forgive me.
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