Thursday, December 31, 2009

right out loud

I have a distinct recollection of a conversation i had with a friend when i was younger in which i told her i would never, ever, be the first one in any relationship to tell the other person i loved them first. when i think about it, it strikes me as a bit funny that i thought that even from such an early age.

It has never been an easy thing for me to tell people how i feel about them. I always feel remarkably awkward, and my voice usually shakes, and i lose any eloquent words i have, and my face becomes about 3000 degrees. It is not generally an enjoyable experience for me, at least in the moment i am trying to do it.

I have become a great deal better at telling people how i feel in the past few years because i think it is such an important thing to do. and i always appreciate it so much when people tell me how they feel about me. it can change your life. being honest and sharing your heart and telling others what you see in them makes for secure relationships that are free from the pain of wondering where you stand. games are avoided, and hearts are visible. of course it is that very reason that makes it all so scary. it requires the ability to lay down your pride and let down your walls to tell someone they matter to you. sometimes it feels embarrassing. it almost never gets easier to do this....but i have always found it worth it.

in most of my relationships i can't remember the first time i told the person i loved them or the first time they told me they loved me. it was just something that happened and we both just knew and the moment of saying "i love you" wasn't really momentous. i have never been in any kind of romantic relationship so i never had any kind of "in love with you moment" either. those kind of moments were foreign to me.

however, i am currently involved in a friendship that is different from all the other ones i have had. This relationship required that "i love you" be intentional and acknowledged. and it was funny because i thought i would be afraid to tell this person i loved them. i thought i would be nervous and i thought it would be hard to get the words out. But, it was not. at the moment the most important thing was that he had to know that i love him.
and i have discovered something; when you actually love someone you don't give a damn whether they love you back, you just love them. you just want them to know.

in "my best friends wedding" one of the characters says, "when you love someone you say it. right then. out loud."
i couldn't agree more.

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