why would you want a cloudless sky?

Recently I am in to cloud watching. Clouds in Colorado are different than clouds in california. Here clouds are monstrous and billowing. I am fairly certain there are not only shapes in the clouds but entire stories, entire worlds mapped out up there. And really it almost takes your breath away. When i was a kid i always wished i could play up there in the clouds. I wanted to jump around on them like a trampoline and snuggle myself up in them like the worlds most gigantic pillow (which actually must be something that exists...and i would be very interested in it). I wanted to play hide and seek in them and grow old there. There is magic up there in the clouds. when the light hits them just right. Some part of me feels like the clouds are home in a way. and the truth of the matter is that i still want to play in them.

people who need people are the luckiest people

people are so very important. life is people.

...

it bothers me just a little every time i come to my blog and see that the picture at the top does not fit in the frame the layout gives it! but...i really like the picture...

thoughts on your thought.

if nothing ever pulled our attention away from everything we would know nothing at all.

it is not that we have forgotten "everything". we have just noticed something.

great expectations.

People are very rarely what you expect them to be.

most of the time they are better.

sometimes they are worse...

sometimes you knew someone and you wonder how they ended up the way they did.

and it breaks your heart a little because you knew how brilliant and clever this person was, and how much opportunity they should have had.

But sometimes people surprise you. and thats the thing about people. thats what makes them great.

Float

Do you know what is remarkable? The way blowing bubbles can calm and cheer you at least a little bit, no matter what has gone wrong.

The world will always envy lovers...as time goes by

To tell you the truth I thought it would be easier to be kissed...

as of today, june 22, 2009, it has been 21 years, 8 months, and 15 days. I am still waiting.

In the film "little Women" Amy says, "I have waited my whole life to be kissed, and what if i miss it?" I often feel that way.

Part of me is worried that I will miss it because I am too afraid. Afraid of kissing the wrong person or afraid of what it would mean to kiss someone. Not to mention, now that it has been so long I have built this kiss up a lot in my head and I want it to mean something. I think people have lost the value of such important romantic things...like holding hands. or kissing. To so many people a kiss is not very valuable. it is something they give away to people who are nearly strangers. But that is not the way it is for me. As corny and silly as it sounds when i say it out loud, or write it down as the case may be now, I think a kiss is valuable. I think it is being vulnerable and giving away a part of yourself. I never want to be someone people can say, "who hasn't made out with her?" (A phrase I heard used the other day about one of my dear friends.) I want whoever the man may be that i let kiss me to know I am not doing it simply because I appreciate the meal he purchased me or because I think he is so attractive I just can't help myself, but instead because he means something to me and I care enough about this kiss that I will never regret it and I will remember, no matter what happens, who he is and why I gave a little bit of myself to him.

another reason i am worried i will miss it is the reason that makes me hate myself just a little bit (which is more than enough) for even acknowledging. i am afraid no one will ever want to kiss me. There is a small but powerful part of me that refuses to believe this, but the thought creeps up on me more steadily as time goes on because the truth of the matter is that I have no reasonable evidence to show that anyone ever will want me. No one has yet. How old do you think the average person is when they get their first kiss? i have a hunch it is a long time before they reach 22. My Gosh...i am going to graduate college and never even held someone's hand.

I wish I knew what it was that made someone like someone else. Or the reason no one has liked me. But I am not like other girls who would change themselves or pretend to be something they aren't. The fact of the matter is that i like who i am. I know what I want, and what i believe, and who i am. And I am very independent. I learned to be that way. I like that. I am happy. I like knowing that i can do it on my own...but that doesn't mean that is the way i would choose it to be.

i already hate this blog. it makes me feel like every other man-crazy girl i hate. but that doesn't make it any less true.

Stir CrAzY...

I am going insane. I have absolutely nothing to do. I hate that. I hate that I sleep until after noon. I need stuff to do. I need to have some adventures. I need to be busy. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

the end.

a case of the empties

"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart." My So-Called-Life

I read this the other day, and then i couldn't get it out of my head. I feel like in some way i need this. I don't even know what the empty place is or why its there, but i am suddenly aware of it.
I guess i am just waiting for the something small...
it will come. i know it.

Up Up and Away

This is a movie that makes you realize the beauty of your life and what it can be if you let it. Go see it. it is beautiful.

to be...

sometimes I wish I thought just a little less. just a little mind you, but still.
sometimes I wish I thought a little less, and lived a little more.

The Long and Winding Road

Tomorrow is the beginning of my road trip. I am so excited. I am trying to be cooler than being this excited about it.....but I am just really not that cool. everytime i think about it i can't push the silly smile off my lips.
SO FLIPPIN EXCITED!

and on that note, one of my very best friends in this world gave me the greatest gift the other day. She made me a road book of all sorts of exciting adventures to have and questions to ask my road trip partner and just general wonderfulness. It is beautiful and my thanks are far insufficient. There aren't words to describe how overwhelmed i am by the gesture. i keep saying that this gift is like something you just always wish someone would make for you, and now I have it. and it is surreal. and To you my dear friend who made this for me, you are a wonderful friend and from the very deepest part of my heart thank you for the book and for everything else.

Love Letter

I think the world needs more love letters. Handwritten. A piece of your heart on paper for someone else. They should be written for no particular reason except to tell that person how much you love them. They need not be eloquent or romantic, just true and honest.
I received a love letter last night, it was from a friend.
and now the world just seems a little brighter and should it ever start to dim again i will just go back and read the lines and see the handwriting and know that I am loved.
the world needs more love letters...and i can help with that.

The Woman Unwanted

there are many stories about wanted women. i don't mean wanted in the criminal sense of the word, but rather wanted in a desirous, amorous sense. Thousands upon thousands of stories of boy gets girl line the walls of libraries and bookshelves and lie haphazardly across coffee tables and cluttered desks. There is truth to the phrase "every story is a Love story". No matter how gory the movie, no matter how action packed, there is always a romantic subplot somewhere.
The wanted woman. she is well known.
what about the unwanted woman? what about the woman who has never known the affection of a man? what about the woman who learns the world on her own two feet rather than swept up in someones arms? what about her story?
i can tell you she has one. in fact she has many. She has tales of triumph and power as well as tales of weakness and broken spirits. the story of the woman unwanted is an epic, but it lives silenced somewhere. we took away her value.
we can learn a lot from unwanted women. we just have to learn to see them.
i for one have a lot to say...watch me.

above it all

Can we please do this?

Today I would really enjoy a ride in a hot air balloon.... one day I will actually get to go in one.

make a wish

I love wishes. I love to make wishes. I just love the whole idea of wishes. i love that a wish is something so sacred you don't speak out loud. I love that it can be as fanciful or realistic as i please. and i love that i always believe for at least one shimmering moment, no matter how outlandish the wish, that it will come true.

I wish on everything. I wish on the time (ex: 11:11) i wish in tunnels, in wishing wells, on birthday cakes, on dandylions, and basically all other wish-able times.

wishes spread hope.

what i want to say...

i know people who can write.
i mean really write. the kind of people whose vocabularies are like another language and who can describe things in lofty words and poetic phrases that may be difficult to understand at first but you know the whole time you are reading that it is a quality piece of writing.
Sometimes i am jealous of those people.
I like to write. on occasion i even allow myself to believe i am good at it. but i am not good like my other writing friends. but i think i decided i don't really want to be. I don't need to write about lofty ideas (though i have them, mind you) and i don't need to write big words. What i really want is to write what people think. i want to write about the things i appreciate and the actual threads going through my mind. i want to describe things simply in terms people know. and i want to be able to show the amazing beauty i see in the small things of this world. i want to remind people what it feels like to be outside holding a huge slice of watermelon and the way it sounds when you bite into it and the way it feels to roll the seeds around your mouth and the way it drips down your face and your forearms until it is dripping from your elbows.
i want to talk about how it feels when your dad gives you a hug and it's the safest place in the world and the place you know you are most loved. i want to give people hope in the ordinary so they can see the extraordinary. I just want to be simple. and i want to be true. and i want people to know exactly what i am talking about and at the same time feel like i have given them something deep and pressing. i want them to feel like i reached into their life and took their own memory and brought it to life. i want to write about humans. about human feeling and emotion. about what it really means to be a part of humanity.
it may be ambitious, but it's my heart.
i write what i write. this is my voice. it's not loud and i only speak plain english. But its mine. and if you listen to it i think you will find my voice just might sound a little like yours. and yours. and yours too.

what do you want?

I want you to want me.
or....do i just want to be wanted?
do i want YOU to want me?
do i want to be wanted or do i just want to win?

and the winner is...

I won a Drama Award last week. I never expected to. I won Student Choice Best Actress in the the spring semester. WHAAAAAAT? And perhaps this is all quite silly, i mean it is just the "philly's" at college and the award is just a piece of plastic, but i have probably never felt more honored by anything in my whole life. The show that it represents will always be so close to my heart and the fact that so many people voted for me is sort of beyond my comprehension. I suppose for that show i felt like i had never worked harder on a role and i had also never been so awful. i mean i like to think by the end i got pretty good, but still, I can't believe i won. It makes me feel so loved and so proud and so...everything i can't figure out how to say. I am so thankful. and blessed.
i love drama awards.

are my knees knocking???

Today I did something I am genuinely terrified of. And I did it for me and not really for anyone else. and other people liked it! it felt free. and wonderful. and alive. and like i just might be good at something...