this is me confessing, without confessing. I just had to take note that i did it.
...what was i thinking? stupid....
in other news:
as i was browsing about the internet in my endless hours of boredom i did many things (some more useful than others). I searched for jobs, i searched for apartments, i facebook creeped, i watched many episodes of criminal minds, and then i came across a link to an article entitled, "How to make him say 'I love you' ."
What? NO. this is bad. of course i ignored my better judgement (as has been my way the last few days. see the confession at the start of this blog), and i clicked on the link anyway. I couldn't finish reading the article in its entirety because it hurt my soul. The parts i did read were about acting a certain way, or saying certain things, or sending certain body language clues and all of those things would add up to one man in love with you.
Now, i could understand why you would not want to listen to me and my thoughts on the subject as nothing i have ever done had added up to any men in love with me, but you should listen anyway. trust me.
I most definitely do not want someone to tell me he loves me because I used all my best trickery to manufacture that feeling in him. I don't want my every interaction with someone to be a manipulation in which i try to make him feel something by using the right body language or saying the right things because i already know how he will react to them. That is not the same thing as him reacting to me, just as me with no impressive trickery, and deciding he loves me. i don't want to have to feel like i have to calculate my moves all the time and know what i should and shouldn't say to make someone love me. i really really do believe that someone could love me as i am, because i do say what i think and i do tell people how i feel about them and i do not try to hide or convince people of feeling things they do not. nothing can be real if you try to do it the other way...and what is the point of that anyway?
this is why i can't stand "the bachelor" and this is why i think i would not like a blind date and this is why i don't want anyone to "meddle" and try to put me together with someone. i don't want to be with someone because anyone else tried to convince them to be with me, i want to be with someone because they decided they wanted to be with me. yes.
rant over. for now.
but on another note, i just got far far too bored of being home today so i put on a cute dress, i put on sunglasses (instead of makeup), and walked to my car, took a short drive, got a boba tea, read some East of Eden, and took a lovely stroll at that perfect dusky sunset time of day...it was dreamy. sometimes you can turn days where you are just alone at home into something great. Today was great, but i need to start having some things to do outside this house or i might go crazy...or do something else that is really stupid.